last emo post. EVER.

i was thinking of deleting this blog. because it reminds me of things i should forget. then i started reading, and i realise, there hasn't been many emo posts for the past couple of years. thank god.

sayang nak delete but should i let the traces of history linger when i'm moving on?

writing comes easy when you're full of emotions. when i'm angry. or sad. or happy. or in love. the words just come. the reason i haven't written anything on this lately is because i haven't really felt anything. we've just let everything pass us by, and that in itself is beyond sad.

we were epic, remember? spanning years and continents, lives ruined, bloodshed. epic.

every time i want to leave it all just flashes before my eyes. this is the boy who takes 6 hour trains to see me when i got sick. who makes me melt every time he plays guitar and sings "collide". i remember light brown eyes, elf ears and the way your hands mesmerizes me. i remember pillow fights before bedtime, tolak2 in the kitchen and the way you kissed my hands in the car when i thought you would never forgive me.

but i also know you don't remember any of this now. you're not the same person i fell in love with and the girl who cried in your car last year wasn't the same girl who sat on your shoulders and sang to starlight at a muse concert in monaco.

we've both changed and that's just life.

the ironic thing, that was the one thing that kept me rooted on the spot, where you could always just reach out to me and pull me in whenever you felt like it. my inability to change.

i want to tell you that.....i took your words to heart. about finding focus in my life. i know that you were right, i've always known that. i won't pretend to know what you're thinking anymore, truth is we're probably not on the same page - you feel like a stranger.

i did feel like i'd been left out on the curb, all i remember was you saying that you didn't want to be selfish and you didn't want me be all drama queen about it.

it felt eerily like our first break-up. thinking back, we probably should have made a clean break then too.

this time i'm really moving on. or at least sincerely trying. no half-measures. i am desperately trying to rectify a mistake i made 5 years ago. the mistake of trying too hard and forcing this whole thing. we should have been over then - 5 years is really too long to traîner avec quelqu'un.

here's to change. may it be good to both of us.