aku slalu bengang di waktu pagi

recently bile bangun pagi aku slalu bengang. bengang dengan beb. bengang yang teramat sangat.

sebenarnye aku bengang dgn diri sendiri.....why am i such a pushover sometimes? aiyo syikin, stick to the plan lar.

no matter how much you try to justify, and berape byk kate2 manis ko nak tabur kat aku....i won't be okay with this. sbab tu hari2 pon there will be an undercurrent of anger. ko nak macam tu?

i get your side. i do, which is more than you can hope for in most girls. i see that and yet i do still have a sense of sisterhood. walau aku tak kenal the other person in this story.

sbab slambe je ko nak ignore perasaan org laen just because you're lonely. the "i'm just human" excuse ain't gonna fly. to err is human but kalo dah buat all the time tu sengaja name die.

from my side :

i'm not some random person yang flirt dengan bf org k. i'm your ex-girlfriend. i was with you 2 years, i know all of your flaws. i've seen you at your best and at your worst. i was in LOVE with you. real, sacrifice tak blk msia, tak tido mlm teman ko blaja, scrub your whole house for etat de lieux, be there in your times of need, love. bukan love stock empty declarations sbab it's expected k.

when it ended aku accept...it's no one's fault and mmg tak bole go on. bile ko kate nak start dating in msia pon aku accept sbab mesti ar kene move on jugak. i wanted to be the bigger person, the cool ex-gf yang wants the best for you.

but no, you just couldn't let me go. betol2 can't live without me even though dah suke org lain. konon. skarang ko ckp ngan aku bile aku bengang ngan ko pasal bende2 ni "ko tau je aku sayang ko". really? macam kat msia ko ckp "aku sayang je girlfriend aku but i can't stop thinking about you.". 

'sayang je' macam tu? i'm so disappointed in you. sumpah. there's a lot of things aku tak amik pusing because i know at heart you're a good guy. but i never thought you'd cheat. worse, you dragged me into this and aku pon ikut mcm org bodoh. so yeah, i'm mad at me.....ko pulak bole pakai excuse that you're just a guy.

from her side : 

look, i don't know her. tapi i know the feeling bile kat ko mcm sayang gile pastu skarang ko abandon die all the time. and she seems to really like you. ko dah bagi expectations, bagi orang tunggu ko kat msia and bile dah bosan ko buat2 jerk so she'd dump you. i've been there and that's why i sympathize. maybe you think it's better if she doesn't know the half of it. kalo die tak tau pon ko rase die tak get hurt ke? and you claim to sayang her.

everyone else akan rase i'm the bitch in the story padahal aku tak pernah suro ko break ke, pakse ko call aku ke, pakse ko buat ape2. instead, berbuih mulut aku suro ko concentrate on gf ko.  kutuk gf ko pon aku tak pernah. she looks like a nice girl. clearly you're the low life that doesn't deserve either of us.

here's a newsflash, i don't think you love either of us. if you did you wouldn't do this. so all this angsty "i don't know why i'm doing this, i don't want to hurt either of you, dua2 pon aku sayang"  is just sugar coating the ugly truth.

ko slalu cakap aku harsh and mean to you. maybe i am. but deep down inside you know it's true. i'm still the voice of your conscience. ko rase aku suke ke? tolonglah.  despite everything, i can't stand seeing you do this to yourself.

aku slalu perasan nak buat the right thing. *cue drama melayu :

"takpe lah abang, biar piah undur diri."

"tapi abang sayang piah *suara poyo serak2 menagih simpati*"

tak ke rase macam nak tampar laki tu? name pon lelaki, decisive lar sikit. macam ko takde choice. tak cukup ke seorang? can't you just stick to your choice? you of all people should understand. maybe it's dirty shot but dalam hidup ko berape perempuan yang ko nak buat menangis? do you really want to be that person?

the thing i most can't get is that : you don't even get how wrong it is.

aku cakap jujur. maybe it's impulsive...ko pon tau aku kejap sayang kejap benci mcm chipsmore. tapi you're making me lose respect and skarang aku mmg rase takde perasaan langsung kat ko.

they say love and hate are different sides of the same coin. aku tak berperasaan. i'm using another coin.

cuma kadang2, a residual feeling from before resurfaces and i feel all protective and affectionate towards you.

btw, tak payah nak rase important dalam hidup aku sebab aku tulis post panjang2 pasal ko. it's just that aku mmg marah sangat2 dengan ko. comme d'hab.