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i have cried more today than in the last 3 weeks. mata sampai bengkak2. takdelah nangis teresak2, that's so uncool. but they aren't tears of grief.

it's just something about home. about seeing pictures, tgk baju mama, tunggu mama kejut subuh, every  situation pikir, what would mama do? 

i've been talking to my aunt, the religious one...the only one i can listen to actually.

when someone you love goes away, the first reflex is numbness. the the objective side kicks in, who's going to handle what. the calling everyone, the kenduris, the tahlils, the house, the family situations. in a crisis, the last thing i can do is go to pieces, i'm my mum's daughter.

then occasionnally i stop and think about mama. these flashes. i wished you would have known her....because she was enchanting. 

i'm happy about the circumstances of mama's death. she was sick, not many people knew, she told almost no one, not even me, but it could have been very painful and very long (or not, i don't really know). but in the end she got her wish, she passed away near the end of her hajj, disembahyangkan at masjidil haram and dikebumikan at jannatul mu'alla where the Prophet's wife and family was buried.

Everybody who hears this will say "Alhamdulillah." I think, she was very blessed, she may not have been the most alim person i know but her heart was so good, i've never known anyone so good, so giving, so selfless, so strong. And for that I'm glad. Semoga mama ditempatkan di kalangan orang yang beriman.

So how can I be sad if she's so happy? 

There are always regrets. But no one can change the past. We can only change the future. And we can only make it so that she would be proud of us.

I'm not a little kid anymore, and I hope the same goes for my brothers. No matter where they are, alive or not, we have responsibilities to our parents.

Ma, I hope i can be the daughter you hope for. Probably not overnight but i'll get there, wait and see :)