"hidup itu pengorbanan."
that's what my uncle said. In the midst of serious 'adults-only' family discussion which almost erupted into a family fight. and i was part of that, the only anak saudara there.
i am not a kid anymore. i can't be.
we used to say that being an adult was a horror of responsibilities : bayar bills, career, loans.
that's because we were too young to even imagine all the headaches and heartaches our parents go through risau macam2, sacrifice everything for family, whether it's your immediate family (ish...diorang ni jadi orang ke tak nanti??) or extended family with all the eccentricites, the black sheeps, the mulut laser yang tak bole ignore, etc.
like a rite of passage, sume orang pon kene lalu kan. at first, semua bergantung kat parents, as you get older bergantung kat diri sendiri - asalkan i don't buat anyone risau, betul salah whatever expenditure tanggung sendiri dah cukup. then bile dah tua lagi kene be responsible for other people pulak.
gawd. i feel and talk like my mom.
(korang abaikan aje. aku mmg tak bole bahasakan mama as arwah ke, my late mother ke. worse, aku still talk to her like she's here ok. )
trust me, bills are the least of it.
* * *
alah, tak payahlah dramatik. sooner or later everyone has to sacrifice something, everyone has to grow up....ape yang aku nak self-pitynye. fine, aku nak sedih sbab dah tak bole just hidup terumbang ambing without goals and bergantung kegembiraan kat online shopping kat dorothy perkins.
damn. aku akan sangat miss the frivolity.
hidup itu pengorbanan. just like our parents have sacrificed for us, our turn will come. it's just the circle of life.
what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.
everybody tells me i have to be strong. okay. dah jadi strong tak bole cakap ape ni. so korang jangan pelik kalau aku bergelak ketawa ke ape. it's not that i'm not grieving. kalo sedih kene nangis ke? mak aku dulu nangis kalo die emotional je, i remember, she used to laugh at the most inappropriate times. tengah gaduh ngan aku pun bole gelak.
feel sad because she's not here, because can't talk to her anymore but sometimes aku rase, thank goodness she's not here to see all this family drama. she's my mom, i'll always feel her presence and i'll always have her in my heart. yang ini nangis macamane pun tak bole ganti okay.
beb : mak aku suro aku take care ko and comfort ko, aku masuk tgk ko tergelak2 dengan david. aku rase aku lagi sedih untuk ko dari ko.
*aku berhenti gelak*
syikin : ko nak aku nangis sekarang ke?
*aku tau, this is probably surreal and unrealistic sbab tu mase hari mama meninggal. aku tak fikir ape just that : she has had a wonderful life, she passed away in a holy place, didn't suffer much and that it was inevitable.
just like me to not fikir future langsung, patutlah main chess slalu kalah.
that was then, this is now : aku tak sempat nak sedih, sebab aku kene fill the huge gaping hole my mom left.
beb slalu cakap aku suke nak risau melampau and rase everything is my responsibility. padahalnye tak.
better that aku sacrifice skarang sebelum aku menyesal. and trust me...ape yang sume mak slalu cakap, that you will menyesal every eh! and every ah! you say to your parents.........it's so true.
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