self-doubt

in a world where not everything goes your way, is it so easy to believe in something?

there's something i think i want. it can be for a second, for a moment or forever. it can be for an entirely different reason than apparent.

but when i try getting it there's just so many obstacles. or rather, i'm just sitting still waiting for someone to get it for me because he promised.

it could be that i'm passively waiting. kalau ade, ade. kalo tak, taklah. what a melayu sentiment. and so effing tak guna.

or it could be i'm waiting to see if you'll really do it. because generally you're the kind of person who will really work for it if you want it. so if you're being half assed about it i shouldn't force the issue, right?

or it could be that i'm still thinking, do i really want it?

sometimes, kalo banyak obstacles, maybe you weren't meant to. but i'm the kind that pushes. kalo ade obstacle just means you have to keep trying, there's always a way. then it gets really sucky when after all the obstacles and the 100% effort what you get really isn't worth it and maybe you shouldn't have pushed in the first place.

doubt.

oh, snap out of it. wow, this psycho analyzing rant actually made me realize that i would hate someone who waited around for other people to get things for her, dengan mudahnye cakap "takpelah, nak buat macam mane?". nak buat macamane? there's like 300 other options you could try. maybe they'll all fail and you'll have exhausted yourself for nothing, but did you want it bad enough to try?

yeah, so i'll always be the little girl with grease on her face and rambut all over because selalu buat keje gile, nak try jugak when everyone has given up.

i think, things happen because we let them. it's a little late to believe in luck. by the way things are, this won't be my lucky day anyway.