guilt #2

i give up. i tell all. if one day someone reads this that they're not supposed to then well, this is how i felt.

you can justify everything in life. actually, why is there black and white? they're just shades of gray. but there's two things i regret in my life (the trivial regrets AKA regarding boys) :

1. Hanging out with Beb when he had a girlfriend
2. Bringing someone else into the complicated structure that is Beb and Syikin

This is how it happened. Around the time Lina got married, I realized how totally wasting my time I was in this loop with Beb (I know, I think that at least once a month for the past 3 years) and decided to end things completely (again, nth time) and Beb agreed.

Only this time, a guy at work asked me if I was single and asked me out. He's a really nice guy. And I'm not used to nice guys so I said yes. I won't go into details but I really liked him. Well, not like LIKE. Barely knew the guy. But he was really nice. and read tolstoy. and loved mark twain. and played jazz music. I don't go out with guys I just met for no reason ok. Actually, I've never 'just hung out' with a guy like this.

Then Beb came back and went totally berserk at this.

Long story short, I always totally cair when beb goes into 'I'm nuts about you' mode. Really. I'm so easy it's ridiculous. So I ended up spending all my time with Beb again and now I feel awkward with the other guy. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I dragged you into this and you had no idea. Actually I was pretty honest to both of them. But I know there's something wrong somewhere, because I felt guilty.

You might have been the point where I could have left this boucle infinie with my jerk ex boyfriend. But I was an idiot like all girls are. A sucker for kata2 manis and puppy dog eyes. Maybe.

But I'm really the kind of girl who always gives all her heart away. And this time around, I never really got it back.